There was a point to where when I was writing, which you can see about two pages ago, where I would talk about the stuff I was going through back in the past, like where I had an Ex’s family basically assault me and my family in the past numerous times, having a not so great history of not knowing or being taught how to essentially respect others in a relationship, or whatever it maybe, can essentially tell you that: in my younger years, I was not a very… bright kid. Culminate that with the fact that: I had an extremely manipulative family, a very slave-like, demanding family, I remember one time using the word slave in a discord group I was apart of, and they said to change it because it was “triggering”, lol, and in the end, what has it lead to? Me learning the hard way of what not to do and what to do in situations like that. I previously, before revising it, went into detail about how I was in a relationship with a girl back in… middle school, she was in high school, we were both well under the age, we met each other back in elementary, and I was going into MASSIVE detail about what her and her family had done to us, which was essentially a form of family-mob-bullying-assault-and-abuse, and when I was revising it, I was like “I’m essentially doing what I did earlier in the last post to where, I was riding off of my emotions while riding it, and this just wouldn’t be appropriate.”, so I decided to just completely omit that, all together. I have talked about it personally in detail with friends, and they’ve told me all that I need to know, which is enough for me if anything. I don’t look back at past relationships like “OH, I WAS AT FAULT, SHE WAS AT FAULT!”, because of the fact that, looking back at those times to where conflict was a way to “resolve situations”, a lot of the times, I can say that: at one point I was the aggressor in the relationship at one point, in a very sad and stupid way, but they were 10 times the aggressor I ever could, and I said to myself on numerous occasions while writing this before “Nothing justifies having to make one mistake into something that repeatedly fucks up your entire life, all for something that, whether it was one sides fault or the other, nothing justifies having to assault a child, because of something that happened years prior, as if it’s happening today.”.
I’m cursed with the fact that, I can remember shit from a long fucking time ago, and I once was holding it against myself, and sulking about it for a very long time, yes, even at 25, but for a while of me writing it, I was really coming to the repeated end conclusion of “Why does it matter now when that happened over a decade ago from now, and if you enlist by the time your in your 30s, that’s going to be two decades from then, so it makes no sense to have to talk about it now when it was in the past.”, so because of that logic that kept popping up in my head, I said to myself that it isn’t worth it having to talk about past relationships I had before, as it makes no sense for me to have to be doom and gloom about the past. Literally my grandma and father mope about the past, about how I was when I was 5, and I brood about how I was in middle school and high school age for years, it just makes little to no sense. I believe that’s called something like a present-minded, forward-thinking opportunist, which is something I more aspire to be, since I realistically would rather seek a better future for myself that works, and is proven to work, rather than a future that is bleak, dark, and only works in one scenario, but not all. I had this discussion with my father before, as he’s put words in my mouth before, and I’ve relayed this to my step mom that: I would rather enlist into the Navy because, I don’t want to actively find a job, that has no security, no stability, no form of push, or a form of motivation for me to have to go out of my way to do what is right for the greater good for myself, I would rather focus on what’s right for me, and to focus on what I feel like works for me, with enough proof, and enough ability to do so, I want to actively go out of my way to just: do what is right for me in the end, and it’s not that I’m not aware of the chances and the possibilities of what I would be signing myself up for, I’m 100% aware of what I would be signing myself up for on the dotted line, and what I would have to commit towards when enlisting, it obviously wouldn’t be for what I studied, or at least revolving around it, but in the end of the day, if no ones going to hire me right away like I was promised over a decade ago for, then I have no need to listen to people that promise me one thing, that it’ll be done “right away” and then be told “It’ll take time”, I don’t have that level of patience motherfucker, lol. I know from after 7 years that: I don’t want to actively listen to those kinds of people that want me to not join, because, I’ve done so for 7 years previously, and I actively cannot listen to them anymore, as I’ve literally stated ad hominem that: If I wait for too long, then I would have studied four years for a degree that in the end of the day means nothing, that I can use, and is now meaningless in the end of the day.
I'm not linking it but, I came across a YouTube channel run by someone older than me who seemed stuck in a life that wasn’t going anywhere, watching her situation reminded me of the kind of future I could have ended up in if I had stayed trapped in the expectations that were placed on me growing up and I know what it feels like to be pushed into a role you never chose, to be told what your life should look like, and to be shaped by other people’s needs instead of your own, seeing that made something click for me, and it reinforced why I chose to break away from that path and build my own direction instead of becoming a caretaker or living under someone else’s control; “I’m not a slave to my parents, and I’m not anyone’s pet — I’m a human being with my own goals and my own future.”, and to be clear, I don’t say any of this to attack her, my reaction comes from recognizing parts of my past in her situation; I’ve lived through that kind of pressure, and I made the decision to step out of it, and these days, if a channel doesn’t align with me, I simply click “Not interested” and move on. I’m not here for drama; I’m here to stay focused on my own life and the path I’m building. Even with the degree that I have, I had the mentality of “If I don’t get shit done within a certain timespan, then what the fuck am I doing?”, which I still have that mentality. The reason I was like that with the degree that I have was that: I originally wanted to do something more hands on, like go into nursing, only to realize that getting a degree like that, and getting into nursing would make it a lot harder for me, since the minimum for nursing at the time was 8 years for your degree, and I said “I’m not willing to do that amount, sorry.”, and then someone suggested I go into tech, and in my freshman year of high school, I was going into a class that had to do with 3D printing, and I wanted to do that, and then I switched to more of a performance sort of art, with Mass Communication, and with that, it never went anywhere because I didn’t like having to go into it, knowing I would be producing movies and stuff, and I wasn’t a performance person, I’m still not the performance type, and I went straight into high school, just doing traditional and digital art, because that was my calling in life, and so I ended up doing 2 years of traditional art, one year of digital, and I was forced to by my counselor because “I didn’t meet the needed days and grades in order to get to the one I’ll have next year.”, something like that, which I think is total bullshit, and so I ended up just sticking to what I wanted to do in college, all throughout high school, elementary school, middle school, etc., which lead me to go and get my Bachelors in Graphic Design, only to realize that the degree of which I studied would also have an oversaturated field, and I was told by one person in high school that “The field is oversaturated, I would suggest that if you want to get that degree, to immediately enlist into the military.”, and since then I’ve just said “Yeah, that’s my best choice so far.”. When I used to go on social media, and didn’t know how to use it properly, people were always telling me not to enlist, and I said I said that “In order for me to get the job for which I studied, because the field would have to make me ‘stand out’, I would have to find a way to ‘stand out’, and that’s more than likely the only way.”, and everyone would tell me that, I would die, or that, I would go into war, and all that stuff, and I’ve even said, I’ve had enough mental experience for me to want to get into that stuff to where, even if I die, I at least died for my country, and defended the rights of the average citizen (Not the social media ridden ones), and that’s when people would get emotional. I think it’s fucking stupid to have to go on social media, and to tell people what kind of future you would want for yourself now because, now a lot of everyone whose younger than me wants to do performance art shit, or performance stuff, doing stuff in porn and all that, and all I got to say is that: That’s sad.
I didn’t realize it earlier on when that was the case, and as much as people want to tell me not to, my response to them is: I’m not willing to wait while with my parents for too long because again, I don’t have that level of patience, and also: what other replacement for what I want to do that you would suggest is out there, outside of freelance and job finding + hopping? None of which has worked for me, and while it has worked for others, I don’t have the patience or the fortitude to do either or, and if I were to do so, I would 100% know that I’m being misplaced for something that I would essentially have no pride in. I don’t see it any other way, or how to explain it, I’ve always wanted to enlist from when I was growing up in elementary school, but I didn’t want to join the Army, and I definitely didn’t want to join the Marines. From my understanding, the Air Force and Space Force are very… not soft, but are more easier going, but have many benefits to it, if played right, but I didn’t want to go towards a militant force that was soft, or easier going, I wanted to meet that sort of equilibrium of it being easy, but also hard, so I decided in the end of the day of going to the Navy when I was growing up, I’m not saying the Navy is soft by ANY means, I just think in comparison to all the other branches, the Navy is somewhere in the middle, and it was either that, or I went into some form of government intelligence operations unit, which was heavily unlikely, or I would join something like, The Police Force, or something in regards to like, Mexican-American Boarder, but as of late… Yeah, idk about that. I realistically do not like having to go out of my way to join a force that: has opposition groups that tell me that “My work isn’t needed here” ala BLM and Antifa, or join into a group that’ll get slammed on the internet by the same groups or similar groups the minute they mistake a horse reign as a whip, because I honestly do not want to get into fucking discussions about American politics with people; I think a lot of American politics, regardless of which side you choose, is so braindead that, most American people just think that it’s stupid to go into Echo Chambers, albeit left (Reddit, Bluesky), or right (X, Facebook), and I’m of that majority. Unless it’s something I can confidently say that I’m right on socially, that no one can disagree with me on, I just outright avoid politics, because politics now in days is so heavily opinionated, and has morphed so much that I just can’t keep up with it anymore. Like, my dad will tell me something right, my mom will tell me something left, and I’m just somewhere in the middle (more middle-right because I’m more socially conservative) to where: I won’t tell you what I think about something, unless I’m asked about it. I’m not a big political person, and even when I have voted previously, I just don’t really seem to care about having to vote all that much, I just go by what I feel like is generally right and I don’t think about it any further. Like, I obviously do my research on things, so that way I just don’t blindly vote like my father does half the time; to also preface, I’m aware of what those root problems within either subject are, Antifa, BLM coming from Echo-Chambers, or how migrants coming through the southern boarder are coming in with a misplaced idea of what they believe freedom is, and the reality of all of that is this: Como hijo de inmigrantes hispanos y como persona con melanina en la piel, aunque no sea negro, sé que quienes hacen estas cosas e impulsan estas ideas son vigilados por muchas agencias gubernamentales en Estados Unidos, debido a leyes como la Ley Patriota de 2001, el programa PRISM de la NSA en 2007, o incluso en la actualidad con Palantir, que colabora con el gobierno estadounidense para rastrearnos a todos en las redes sociales, sin que nos demos cuenta de cómo todo está siendo monitoreado con inteligencia artificial en lugar de por seres humanos. Creo que muchas de las creencias de estas personas son descabelladas, estúpidas o simplemente absurdas, y me niego a que se me asocie con ellas, ya que reconozco que no tienen nada que ver conmigo, pues no comparto ni estoy de acuerdo con esas creencias en absoluto. Tampoco menciono a estos grupos para estar en contra de ellos ni a favor; simplemente no se alinean con lo que considero correcto para mí o para mi futuro.
I always keep my politics to myself, because, at this point in my life, I don’t really want to talk too much about that stuff, and I’d rather just work for what I want to earn in life. In the original rendition, I talked about how I was working in several jobs, of which I have listed before, generally them being 6, and showed that I still have woes about the jobs I worked in, in my early 20s, and now going into my mid to late 20s, I just don’t like having to think about them because, I don’t think any of them are good examples of places I want to work in because: in the area that I’ve worked in, a lot of people have seen my face, know who I am, and the “opportunities” they’ve brought to me to the table, eventually did not make me feel proud under any sense for me to have to work in them, considering that I just really fucking hated having to think about what people have said and done to me and shit. There have been times to where, I’ve worked in food, retail, and that I’ve had to converse with the overall populous in my area, and most of them are… not the kind of people I would like at all to converse with at all. This is mainly due to bad history, bad sayings, and bad times to where people would just:
• Outright assume I’m black,
• Get hostile with me,
• Or become overtly disrespectful with me, because “I’m not doing something right”.
All of which is overtly retarded, I genuinely believe that, that form of assimilation is dumb, and I’d rather assimilate to something that has meaning, and a backing behind it, rather than have someone call me a “Nigga” in a threatening manner, and then get on their phone, and laugh in front of their face, as I fucking slave for their fucking food. That’s the kind of shit I saw in Jarhead, and I listened to that resonated with me, that I had the experience in that made me think like “Fuck, I 100% get that, I’ve experienced that.”, and while Marine Corporal Sworfford was in a completely different branch than I plan to be while in operation desert storm, during the Persian gulf war, the message of what he sent resonates with me the most. I don’t like having to be disrespected for refusing to be apart of a ‘colony’ but I also don’t like having to sit down and not do shit, because then the overall ‘colony’ will shame me for being lazy, and I’d very much would rather go into the military by choice, since I’d rather go into something that’s more rewarding, than something that just, has little reward to it. I'd rahter assimilate to a form of it to where it's strong and I HAVE to assimilate whether I like it or not, than one where it's a soft form to where, I have to suck it up and deal with, and it could probably work if I was older, but I don't like 'soft' assimilation, I think it's backhanded from my experience, and I should assimilate to someonething more strong, which is one of the reasons why enlistment is on the table. I like being made to assimilate because, because if I just refuse to assimilate, I'll just be put into a position to where, I'll just be in a land full of what I deem to be 'aliens', and just would end up living in a cave for the rest of my life, and just not actively going out of my way to excel at anything in life; which is the biggest reason as to why they put you through basic traiing and PT no matter the branch you're in.
It’s also why I’ve learned that: Id rather actually go in enlisted by choice, into the Navy because, in the end of the day, I can go to the fucking Commissary by that point, and know that everything will be organized and clean, or even to NEX, with the same idea in mind, while if I went to Walmart or Bealls, the organizations wouldn’t give a shit if a person that just walked in, just rolls the fucking shirt and puts it back, as if that’s how it was to begin with, and then fucking gaslights you into thinking that’s how it was, when… it wasn’t. I just, do not like having to think about how my mom does shit when she used to work in Target, because I just think that having to work in a civilian setting is just so fucking stupid, like, there have been YouTube videos out there, that show what people have to go through in those jobs, and it’s realistically telling me like: the shit they have to go through is not worth it. I remember when my mother was working in Target, I mentioned this in the last blog, where she applied for It, worked there for as long as my parents were married, quit early on, and then my mom got scolded by my dad, and told her that if she stayed there for X amount of years, that she would have gotten a pension, and to not immediately re-apply, because they won’t hire her since she knows about the pension. She did re-apply years later, and she knew and told everyone that she knew, but they said that with the amount of previous years that she worked there, that it wouldn’t be added to her current years, since it restarts once you re-apply, and she just quit because, she wanted to get a higher position, but said that “because of her limited knowledge in English, she can’t get a higher job” and she took that as Target being racist, which… fuck no, that’s on you bitch, take English classes, no excuses. Looking back at it, I 100% am on my dads side, I think she’s fucking stupid, especially fucking stupid since, she never really surmounted to much of anything in her life, and it’s something I refuse to even be proud of, which is also as to why I don’t really consider her much of a mother to begin with, it’s very hard to consider someone as a mother when they can’t think or act as a mother, and then act as anything but.