Technology Sometimes can be a Pain…

  So, for a lot of people that don’t know this: I used to work in mostly food and retail, and previous to this, I used to be a student in college, studying for graphic design. My passion and idea as to why I wanted to go into college for years, since 2014 at that time was that: If I used my art prowess to make something out of myself, and do what it is that I love doing, I would be able to make a name for myself, and get my family out of a “rut” that we were in at that point… only to then realize that there was a lot of glaring issues that I chose not to look into, or discuss because “I was too young/stupid/naive to understand what was going on.”. 14 year old me saw this as a bit of an insult because… I was 14 at the time, not 5, but it was either that, or I would get beat up, and smacked across the mouth/head at the time, and get told I was “Wrong” for disagreeing with others because I "didn’t know what I was talking about”. None of which I’ve made up, I wish I made any of that up, that was normal for a household that I was living in at the time. After a while of me noticing this, and noticing the amount of mental manipulation and emotional manipulation, that not only happened to me, happened to my little brother before a while a go now, as of posting this, has lead me to believe that: a lot of what some of my family members have done to themselves, were choices they had willingly made, and they choose to cover up their choices, with excuses, to make themselves feel better in the long run, only for me to analyze, recognize, and react to this, generally in distain and disgust.

I don’t think positive of those family members because of the fact that, I would be told to do the right thing, and then get judged because of this and then when that ends up being the case that they do, to which I just stop talking to them, they come back and start crying, and whining about it, trying to make excuses on as to why they made those decisions, which has literally lead me to just: Cut them out of my lives. I remember reading the book: Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn back when I was in my Junior year of high school, to where: the whole premise of it was that there was this high school couple that were in a particularly abusive relationship, where the young boy would continually abuse his partner, and then not only do it physically, but emotionally to where he would gaslight her, into thinking that “I’m going to be the only person in her life that treats her the best and no one else” and would often be mentally manipulated into thinking that all of the notes, the flowers, the chocolates, etc., only to realize that… that’s not normal. This is something I would recognize that: My blood mother would do, my cousins would do (Not on my fathers side, my family members on my fathers side would never do this), that, my mom would gaslight me to be religious, and coax me with candy, or that my brother on my moms side would then gaslight me into thinking that “Your mother is the only mother.”, “Your mother is the best.”, “You’re mother is the best cook out there, and there never will be a better cook”, etc., and a lot of the time, reading books like Breathing Underwater has taught me that: You should never be put in a situation like that, and nor should you put others in a situation like that to where, you take advantage of others as much as possible in that aspect. It’s just… wrong to have to put yourself in a situation like that. One reason as to why I don’t talk to a lot of my family members on that side or even on the side of my step mothers family is because, a lot of them go into their own form of ‘just’ interpersonal politics, to make it seem as if that, they’re more right than you and that’s just not how that is, as that can come across as abusive.

I’m talking like for example: My cousin on my step moms side a couple of years ago, had gotten pregnant at… younger than the age of 18, in a country to where the age of consent is 18, which makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it, or even discussing it and then hearing that the dad dipped, made me think like “Shit… I almost had the same thing happen to me. My big brother not only had that happen once, but twice. I’m glad in ever went through such a stupid decision.” And then what I remember hearing from the grapevine was that: Said cousin would then go on a motorcycle, take my sisters down to the river, and talk about… things you shouldn’t talk about with someone under the age of 18… This had actually gotten so bad and noticeable that, my step mom, being the MVP that she is, calling out my aunt for not doing anything, and me going like “That’s how you should handle things!”, but still… my cousin ends up getting a second kid, nothing changes, and I remember even telling my mom like “If you’re in a situation like that, how are you gonna take care of your kid? How are you going to feed yourself, put clothes on yourself, put a roof over your head, put food for the kid, put clothes on the baby, etc.” and that was just with the first baby. I knew after a long time of this happening that, I could not have a word or a say about this with my sisters, or anyone else in the family, because I was seen as like the “Little brother” of the family, due to my stature, and how I came across, which has lead me to isolate myself away from the family, because it came across as, them bullying me mentally. To me the smartest decision to do in this case is to: walk away, don’t say anything, and continue to isolate yourself, because that’s the best you can do. Not just in familiar instances, similar things have also happened in school. I was a top tier student, getting A’s, B’s, I had gotten honor roll back in my freshman year, and every year I had gotten honor roll back in school, it was because of something like: Holding the door for thousands of students, not even shitting you with that one, I used to do that, that’s an easy way of getting honor roll if you guys are wondering. The last time I think I’ve ever gotten honor roll was when I was in my… Senior year of Sigh School? I had made my attempts to refuse it at the time because of two reasons:

• At the time, I had essentially did the exact same thing, holding the door for thousands of students, knowing I would be late for class if I had done so,

• I forget his name, and his position, He wasn’t a teacher, or a super-attendant or whatever, he was the guy that ran the whole entire school grading system at the time, and what was going on was that: He was trying to make all the nasty, dirty boxes in the school into “Muslim places of worship”, to where muslim children would pop up in, to pray, and this same person had said to my face, which is super racist may I add, that while in a conversation with him, he made the remark of “You look like you’re muslim.”.

I don’t make stuff up as I go along here, I don’t make shit up, this is just stuff I recall. He tried to force me into one of those boxes to then, pray in the same way this muslim girl was trying to pray, but I am not muslim/islamic, so I didn’t know what to do, and so the guy just, grabbed me with his might that he had, shouted in my face to “Pray in the same way she is!” And threw me down on the floor as hard as he could to make me pray, to which I looked down and thought the guy was a fucking lunatic for doing so, and then the guy looks at me angrily and is like “If you’re not going to pray in the same way she does, then leave, go, RUN!” To which I did. I think I posted something about it on social media at the time, which had gotten no traction, and I then saw someone post a video that got him suspended or expelled or whatever, to where: he recorded himself, right in front of the same guy, just absolutely curve-stomping the same girl, or a similar girl, and he had to run away; the same person then had to make an announcement on the intercom system of the entire school about the incident, and I was like “Bruh, he tried to make me pray in the same box as another muslim girl, when I was going to explain to him that I’m hispanic, and that I’m like a catholic-like follower.”. I’m not in school anymore, I believe this was around 2015-2018, it’s been so long since that time that, I genuinely don’t think that shit will ever see the light of day. But anyways, I didn’t want to get honor roll because of that, and the guy said that “I don’t remember doing that, and accusing me of something as heinous as this, everyone knows me, meanwhile you’re not really going to be remembered in the school system. Take this honor roll and get out of my face!” After I had explained everything to him as to what he did, and I wasn’t particularly upset with him on that, he just took what I said personally, and since then, the last ever honor roll I’ve ever gotten was in my first year of college, and I never gotten another one since (I want to leave a link here about a video from TAA, because the video speaks true to this kind of subject: you can't put one religious belief over another, and expect others to transition right away to that religious belief. Even before this, the guy was asking me "Why I don't follow the same beliefs as her, when you look like one of her kind?", and even when I explained to her that I'm not, he scoffed at the idea and didn't believe me, even when I was telling the truth.).

I still have that copy of my honor roll in college, somewhere in my storage boxes or behind one of my bifolds or whatever; I never kept any of the honor rolls I had in primary school. I never kept any of the ones in primary school for the fact that: I remember being so cocky about having them, like having so much of them that my friends would just rip them in front of my face at school during class hours and I would get mad about that, but after a while, I just didn’t care because it was happening so much, partially due to the fact that, I would just give it to them if they asked. The rewards I was getting at the time, meant nothing, if I could just hand them out to them, after they found out that I got it, only for me to just give it to them, after them threatening to beat me up if I didn’t, one time someone said they were going to go over to my house, rape, and kill me if I didn’t, and I just handed it to him the next day, really crazy shit. After a while, with these concepts that I remember back in school, I’ve moved on and since I graduated from school back in 2022, I said to myself “I don’t ever want to go back to school.”, and so I never did. It has been 3 years since I graduated from Miami International University of Art and Design, 2 years since that school had shut down, 4 years since Independence University had shut down, 7 years since I graduated from Belleville High School in Belleville, New Jersey, 12 years since I graduated from Luis Muñoz Marin Middle School in Newark, New Jersey back in 2013, and I believe I graduated from Elementary school sometime before LMMMS, I wanna say I attended that elementary back in… 2007-2008? I had transferred from school to school all around my elementary and middle school years, but I would consider… Lincoln Elementary School in Nutley, New Jersey, to be the school I graduated from at that time, because I was there from 2008 - 2010. Only two schools out of that whole list of schools are still standing today: Belleville High School, and Luis Muñoz Marin Middle-Now Elementary because Broadway Elementary and Marin merged-School.

This is to also state that: at that time that I was in either or of these schools, the only reason as to why I had to transfer from Broadway to Lincoln is because, my parents, still married at the time of when this was happening, mostly my dad would try and work his hardest to put me into the Nutley School System at the time. I think I stayed there for... 3 grades? Meanwhile in Broadway, I think I stayed there for two... I don't really think about that school anymore, because it reminds me of one of my ex's from way back in the day and while I'll say: I am not patron saint, especially over 10+ years prior, nor was her family or family members sticking up for her, because what I remember doing was horrible, beyond horrible even...What they did was worse(I've told my friend about what they did to me, my brother and blood mother at the time in detail, because the remembrance of what had happened at that time, stressed me out, and put me into such mental turmoil. I'm not saying I don't deserve to be put in that position, but what they did was like... shit, like words cannot describe what they did to me and my blood mom. Only thing I can say is that: that was over ten years ago, I'm not in Jersey anymore and I don't think I'm ever going back to Jersey, I refuse to go back, unless it's to see friends. This is to say as well, never converse with these people, they'll deny what they did to me and my family at the time, 100%, but I'll always remember what they did to me and my family.*). But back to the schools, most I remember when it comes to LES is, the principal, two-three teachers?, one of them saying that "If I misbehave one more time, I'll be sent to a military school bootcamp"... I never went to the bootcamp, I think if anything, I tried my damnedest to avoid that, and the fact that we had like several school parties, one of them being a going away party for me when my parents divorced and I ended up moving in with my mom at the time... I think a teacher by the name of Mr.B would probably remember me if I ever get the chance to visit the school again..., but I would consider Allgood Elementary, Broadway Elementary, and Lincoln Elementary as the school's I've gone too, with me graduating Lincoln, as those are the three schools to where I cherish the most best and happiest memories in, in that order, for better clarification.

From my understanding, all the faculty from those schools have shifted and changed (Excluding Allgood Elementary, and Lincoln Elementary, the only shifts I've noticed in either or is that: Allgood used to be a majority white school, now it's majority black, and I guess Lincoln Elementary went through a school change in the past couple of years, but last I checked, they keep all the information about their teachers and faculty hush-hush, which kinda bums me out a bit.). The one in LMMES by the time I had graduated Middle School, had to go through a complete revamp, and everyone got fired, so everyone at that time had to scramble and find a job somewhere else, and Belleville High School after my Junior year, had massive shifts happen to the whole school and faculty; I don’t think whoever the guy that works in the background of the grading system even works there anymore, or if he does, last I want is for people to find out who he is, and harass him. I’ve moved on from those times when I was in school, and now in days, I choose to just, talk about the stories of when they’ve happened, and move on, to kind of get them off my chest. Now in days, If I were to ever go back to a school if ever, I would probably just join a school to where I can learn some form of trade or learn about business, like go to a business school or a trade school or something, but I would never want to go back to College or University ever again. I know now I was mentally and emotionally abused by the US public school system into going into college and University, just to get a degree that makes me overqualified, and under-qualified at the same time for years, along with my parents thinking the same thing, and then having them gaslight and implement the same thought process to me at that time.

I don’t ever think about that stuff anymore, because it’s been a long time since I’ve had something that serious happen to me in my life, and for the most, I don’t really think about my familiar issues very much anymore, nor do I think about my school issues at all, since it’s been 3-7 years since I’ve had any issue with any of my schools at all. Legit, because of my reaction to become very isolationist, I’ve really just about cut most of my family out of my life, including my sisters, because I clique more with either their mother, my dad, or my brother more. Then I ended up finding work around the time I was in college… I don’t know If I’m ever going to talk about it, unless I talk about like 10 years later when I end up establishing myself in Vegas or something at some point, but I’m telling you, in the times I’ve been working in general, everything just… did not work out. The reason being that this was the case for the most part is because of either: system wide racism, sexism, xenophobism, and discrimination all across the board because I’m not “What they wanted me to be”, essentially speaking. I’ve written down the stories on a page somewhere in my files, and in that time that I have done so, it had already been anywhere between 5-2 years since then, so if I talked about it here, it would still be pretty fresh in my mind.

I would rather talk about stuff that’s happened like, years after the fact, or if the institution went caput, those are my only two rules to that… or if they didn’t make you sign an NDA or something. I’ll say it how it is: When I was working in those scenarios, they didn’t work for me one way or another, grand majority of the time it was system wide discrimination, other times it was just they were an asshole, and after loosing my job from McDonalds and I tried to find another job on Indeed, I kept getting scammed out of another job, after another job to work in like telemarketing, and every time I would get a job about that, It would be scam after scam after scam from people in India, America, and Africa, of them sending me a check, and then them sending the money through my account, to which I would then send it through Ally Bank, thank you ally bank by the way, your guy’s level of security helped me out lots, to ensure they weren’t scams, but every time I did, I would phone them in and let them know. By the way, as precaution to anyone reading this: Always scan checks you’re not sure about on banks like Ally Bank, and let them go through the daily/weekly process of them scanning the whole thing so that way they can get a human to figure out whether or not it’s a scam or not, if someone tells you to do it via Chase or whatever, don’t do it, there’s practically no way for them to verify whether or not it’s a fake check or not; to which, if a job contacts you right away (which is the first red flag there) and then they tell you that: they need to send you a check for the equipment through the mail, 100%, be skeptical about it, and do your research with the company to make sure the persons legit, the level of technology is so sophisticated, and right there at your fingertips and eyes that, you could literally just grab the info about the person themselves, compare, correlate, and see if everything matches up, and you could even email or send a message to the company on whether or not the person works for them or not, and the company will just straight up tell you. If you don’t have a bank with heavy security backed behind it, just do your research before scanning anything. Being that I’m terminally online, I’ve researched many companies previously that I’ve even signed up for, so they might as well have my information and shit right, with one of them trying to get me to sign up for like, get like an insurance license or whatever, and do some MLM shit, with that company being so bad that: they were actually getting reported by the FBI or whatever, because it came out that the company, underneath another massive company that gave people “packages” after their family members passing, I’m not making that up, that shit is so fucking weird, saying about how they were running and underground ring to where they were like abusing women under the workplace or whatever, and the guy running the company was getting away with it; I forget the name of it, but it was 100% an MLM scheme. I had another guy after I signed up in Indeed for something similar in a Zoom call, come up and just give me the most, spastic works, explaining to me the whole bullshit about his MLM company and how it worked, and I immediately dipped after that call.

  Something I’ve noticed about MLM companies is that: They always pay people in “packages” that they would sell to you, they would never give you a paycheck, which is fucking like… Idk what you say to that, every company you work for is supposed to give you a paycheck. I used to get calls from companies that wanted me to be a telemarketer, and sell insurance and after a while, I just said “If I applied, and I haven’t received calls from you in a while, then that sounds like a problem with the company and not me.”, so I just stopped picking up calls. All I get now in days as of recent, this has been happening since like last month, but it’s been a thing since I’ve had a phone in the first place, is to where: I would get random texts, or get into random messaging groups on my iPhone, to where I wouldn’t even notice I got them until like hours or a day later, and it would be something along the lines of…